Wednesday, January 14, 2009

"We will only find the best that God has for us by rediscovering in the Great Story a profound sense of who we are, where we came from, and where we are going. It is only as we merge our story with God's story that we find the purpose for life we seek and a rhythm of life that is renewing instead of exhausting." (Living on Purpose, Sine/Sine)

This afternoon I opened up the book Living on Purpose as I was looking for some inspiration for leading a Bible study and I was struck by the above statement and questioned myself, am I doing it all wrong? I know I am a part of God's story...yet I am constantly running on empty and exhausted. Usually, I credit it to my job, teaching, that it zaps all my energy because I am continually giving of myself...but isn't that life? Maybe I'm not getting enough sleep, not exercising enough, saying "yes" too much, not alone enough, not in God's Word enough, not reflecting enough. The negativity of the statements make me cringe. My life has no rhythm, no fact, much of the time I feel as though I am running in circles, unable to accomplish anything of any importance. Is it just my perspective or attitude that needs changing? No...the physical exhaustion is always there. Am I missing the point? I always thought I understood, do what God calls you to do, do the best job you can and God will use you in his grander story that is larger than your life. I've lost the vision...I don't see niche, my fit. How will I ever find the "rhythm of life that is renewing, not exhausting.

Chapter 1 starts off with "Psalm 23, Antithesis," by Marcia K. Hornok. She states how I feel so perfectly, yet this is the opposite of what it is supposed to be...

The clock is my dictator, I shall not rest.
It makes me lie down only when exhausted.
It leads me to deep depression, it hounds my soul.
It leads me in circles of frenzy for activity's sake.
Even though I run frantically from task to task,
I will never get it all done, for my "ideal" is with me.
Deadlines and my need for approval, they drive me.
They demand performance from me, beyond the limits of my schedule.
They anoint my head with migraines, my in-basket overflows.
Surely fatigue and time pressure shall follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the bonds of frustration forever.

How am I supposed to lead a Bible study, when I don't have it figured out?
I pray for power, rest, and wisdom....why do I feel as though I'm hanging by a thread?

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