Tuesday, January 16, 2007

January Update

Seems like I only get around to posting a new entry once a month...not what I had intended but it could be worse! So...December was good...I went to visit malia in ireland and we had a blast! from our adventures on the paddywagon to celebrating Christmas away from home...it was some good quality time! Of course...away from school I asked myself why am I a teacher? and really wasn't looking forward to going back after break...however, when school started back up again I had more fun than ever! The students were great and I had so much energy and excitement! Fast forward to today and it is a different story...I think I may be bipolar when it comes to figuring out what kind of career to pursue. One minute I want a job like teaching, that's flexible, good vacation time, and relational....and then the next I want to be in school again learning, challenging myself and in a health related field...usually my dream is to be a doctor. So which is it? The career that is less demanding, requires another year of school max, that would allow me to have plenty of time for family and friends, is relaxed and laid back....or the high stress, higher paying, no time for anyone, 6 years of school, no breaks, head overflowing with information to remember job of a physician? or perhaps...is there a compromise?

We have had so many snow days this past week that I have had way to much time to think about the future and not so much what I want...but what is God's purpose and plan in my life. I was reading a devotion the other day that talked about waiting on the Lord and I was reminded of my tendency to always jump into the next activity keeping my calendar full even if it isn't "exactly" what I may want to do...and possibly not the choice God would have wanted me to pursue. So I feel as if I am at another crossroads and this time I am waiting...and tonight I feel as if I have part of the answer. I was praying for clarity, discernment and purpose. And I just let go of all that had been on my mind the past few days and I think I heard God speak in my silence. I felt like he was telling me that even failure can be used to fulfill his purposes and carry out his plan....that sometimes failure is what develops character and strength, that facing inadequacy and disappointment can be positive and used for good. I guess I linked this idea to my struggle in applying to medical school. Everything has always come pretty natural for me and I have never had to bend over backwards to work hard for anything too important. So when my MCAT scores weren't what I expected I was so hurt, disappointed and felt like a failure....I felt as though my dream to become a doctor was squashed and that my desire to help others through medicine and use it to lead people to Christ was not a possibility. But now I am realizing that God can take that situation, that failure, adversity and change my heart, my character, and my desire...but only if I am willing. The way I see it I have two options...allow my dream to be trampled by one failure and be intimidated by it, while only pursuing careers I feel confident and comfortable in....or I can say failure and adversity makes you stronger, it develops character....you learn where you should be...what level you should be performing at and then you work your butt off to get there, you sacrifice your time, energy, and all the other activities you do to fill up that space because you feel comfortable, accepted and confident in those activities.

So I am at a crossroads will I become stronger through my failures...or just continue to walk along the smooth plateau? Will I sit back in my comfortable skin...or risk another chance at failing, but this time knowing exactly what it takes to succeed. I hope that I can choose the latter...I am screaming inside for challenge, change, and determination. I just pray that it lasts long enough to materialize into something...a career that inspires me, challenges my abilities, and all in all brings glory to God and his purposes - because he is my ultimate teammate, working alongside me to fulfill his promises and purposes in the Kingdom of God.


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