Tuesday, January 16, 2007

January Update

Seems like I only get around to posting a new entry once a month...not what I had intended but it could be worse! So...December was good...I went to visit malia in ireland and we had a blast! from our adventures on the paddywagon to celebrating Christmas away from home...it was some good quality time! Of course...away from school I asked myself why am I a teacher? and really wasn't looking forward to going back after break...however, when school started back up again I had more fun than ever! The students were great and I had so much energy and excitement! Fast forward to today and it is a different story...I think I may be bipolar when it comes to figuring out what kind of career to pursue. One minute I want a job like teaching, that's flexible, good vacation time, and relational....and then the next I want to be in school again learning, challenging myself and in a health related field...usually my dream is to be a doctor. So which is it? The career that is less demanding, requires another year of school max, that would allow me to have plenty of time for family and friends, is relaxed and laid back....or the high stress, higher paying, no time for anyone, 6 years of school, no breaks, head overflowing with information to remember job of a physician? or perhaps...is there a compromise?

We have had so many snow days this past week that I have had way to much time to think about the future and not so much what I want...but what is God's purpose and plan in my life. I was reading a devotion the other day that talked about waiting on the Lord and I was reminded of my tendency to always jump into the next activity keeping my calendar full even if it isn't "exactly" what I may want to do...and possibly not the choice God would have wanted me to pursue. So I feel as if I am at another crossroads and this time I am waiting...and tonight I feel as if I have part of the answer. I was praying for clarity, discernment and purpose. And I just let go of all that had been on my mind the past few days and I think I heard God speak in my silence. I felt like he was telling me that even failure can be used to fulfill his purposes and carry out his plan....that sometimes failure is what develops character and strength, that facing inadequacy and disappointment can be positive and used for good. I guess I linked this idea to my struggle in applying to medical school. Everything has always come pretty natural for me and I have never had to bend over backwards to work hard for anything too important. So when my MCAT scores weren't what I expected I was so hurt, disappointed and felt like a failure....I felt as though my dream to become a doctor was squashed and that my desire to help others through medicine and use it to lead people to Christ was not a possibility. But now I am realizing that God can take that situation, that failure, adversity and change my heart, my character, and my desire...but only if I am willing. The way I see it I have two options...allow my dream to be trampled by one failure and be intimidated by it, while only pursuing careers I feel confident and comfortable in....or I can say failure and adversity makes you stronger, it develops character....you learn where you should be...what level you should be performing at and then you work your butt off to get there, you sacrifice your time, energy, and all the other activities you do to fill up that space because you feel comfortable, accepted and confident in those activities.

So I am at a crossroads will I become stronger through my failures...or just continue to walk along the smooth plateau? Will I sit back in my comfortable skin...or risk another chance at failing, but this time knowing exactly what it takes to succeed. I hope that I can choose the latter...I am screaming inside for challenge, change, and determination. I just pray that it lasts long enough to materialize into something...a career that inspires me, challenges my abilities, and all in all brings glory to God and his purposes - because he is my ultimate teammate, working alongside me to fulfill his promises and purposes in the Kingdom of God.

1 comment:

Perusal said...

Ms. Walker, I was thinking of you today and wondering how you have been since the last time we spoke.
It appears that you have been up to a great deal.

Fun travels and the exploits of your newest position aside (though I hope that you continue to enjoy it immensely), you appear to be deeply conflicted over what path to pursue, or at least were conflicted a month-and-a-half ago. Maybe I'm commenting myself into irrelevance and you have since obtained answers for many of your large questions, but it was a fresh read to me, so I'll comment as if you wrote it yesterday.

Firstly, for as much grief as the MCAT gave you, I grieve with you. The Physics GRE was one of the reasons I defected from physics (it helped, of course, that I acknowledged my extreme lack of interest in current physics research, but shhh *hushes side points*). I maintain that standardized tests are a huge conspiracy against society.
(Their origin was in the eugenics movement of the late 1800's/early 1900's, quite sinister. By the time the "experts" got around to publicly acknowledging that the exams were hardly what they had successfully gotten the public to embrace them as, their apologies and admissions of wrong were drowned out and the public could no longer hear them; it was too late and the machinery could not be stopped -- true story that continues to this day, though many improvements have been made.)

But getting back to your uncertainty: if your idea about medical school is something that ceaselessly burns deep inside you, and you are able to take hold without being scorched, hold it fast, hold it high, and commit to unleashing yourself to get it done. You know that is the only way true obstacles have ever really been done away with. Don't be content to suffer the slow smoldering of what could have been -- especially if it's going to take your whole life to completely burn out, leaving you increasingly agonized as you are less and less able to pursue it, as you necessarily will be as time goes on.
You know that issues of finance are only relevant up to "How can I?" and not "I cannot." You surely already know the toll that med school will take on you, and have some inkling of whether or not you can make it through mostly unbroken by the system. And having been trapped in your head all this time, you must be nearly completely converged upon either "I will do this" or "I will not do this," and have along with that a full realization of the magnitude(s) of the requisite sacrifice(s) that will need to be made accordingly.
My two cents: either uncage it and let it go, or pack up and go with it, but don't keep holding it.
Drop the gavel, make the choice, and be bound; everything will align with the choice once you have made it.
There are different schools of thought on this, of course. Some people think a person should have pre-confirmation for pretty much everything and always be hand-wringing over everything. Others think a person -- while seeking guidance, of course -- should plot a course and that henceforth, that course serves as the backdrop and stage against which the finely orchestrated, ordained details of life take place. Shooing away the wide spectrum in between, you can probably guess I advocate the latter. Still quiet voices will give you the general directions, guidance, hopefully confirmations, and demand respect and attention, but they will not on the one hand fill out forms for you or on the other decide definitively to not do something for you. "Neither leave you, nor forsake you" means exactly that, no matter what you do, or where you go.

And lastly on failure: It is in the forge of pain, adversity, apparent failure, and the heights of despair that we are truly formed, not in the languid shadow of a prosaically situated tree next to the gurgling brook, where to linger too long is to go the way of rust and the sluggard.

I hope you are having a lovely weekend.


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