I woke up today just absolutely exhausted...so it became one of those relaxing days where not much is accomplished and it is just what you need to prepare for the week ahead. I made waffles...sipped on a homemade latte...read my book...had a heart-to-heart with my roommate...power walked with a friend...journalled at a coffee shop...went to church...back to a coffee shop with friends...listened to good music...and reflected on the past week.
I've been thinking a lot lately about my passions...especially in regard to my future and how I am living in the present. I've been thinking about my inadequacies and my limitations. I've been thinking about fear and how it is such a factor in my decision-making. I've been thinking about how to be intentional in seeking Christ...centering my life around Him...aligning my desires and will to His.
I recently returned from a medical mission trip to Mexico and I left completely refreshed and renewed. God gave me a glimpse into what my life could be if I pursue medicine. He sparked a passion in my heart to learn more about medicine and use that knowledge to serve others...I see Him at work in my heart as I begin to develop direction and motivation. I am torn between my career now as a teacher and a desire to be a student...learning about the human body, disease, treatment, medicine...a desire to pursue medical school or public health. But then the fear creeps in and I fell inadequate in so many ways...and I think to myself...how could I ever be that person. I'm not intelligent enough...I'm not responsible enough...I'm not confident enough. Lies...I know that they are lies and yet I can't transfer the feelings and emotions of my passions into action...it is as if I am sabotaging my life...keeping myself from what I desire the most. All I can say is what a frustration...and what disobedience...if God has given me a passion to serve, my responsibility is to follow through and pursue opportunities to use this passion. To step out of my comfort zone and attempt the impossible because it will force me to rely on someone other than myself, it will force me to give the credit to someone other than myself...God. I think of the people that God has used to accomplish His will...big or small...throughout time and they are no different than I am...they all have limitations, inadequacies and yet God still uses them because of their obedience to Him and His call.
After journalling this afternoon thinking about this constant frustration in my life and theme of fear in different areas I headed to church and couldn't believe my ears when Pastor Dahlstrom talked straight from my journal entry...what an encouragement to hear his words and just feel so connected with the Holy Spirit. He talked about how wholeness comes from living our lives in the light...about taking off the old self and putting on the new self...about stepping out of our comfort zones and imitating Christ...I felt so convicted to take off my fear and put on confidence in Christ, put on His unconditional love, put on His joy, His peace...an new self that models Christ. How can I put that into practice this week? Volunteer at the hospital, encourage a student, tell someone I love them, hug, call an old friend, take time to be in the presence of God, challenge a friend to try something new...be present...in my own life and others.
This week I want to put on "love." I want to radiate love, because I want Christ's love to be so overwhelmingly abundant in my own heart that it can't help but overflow onto others. Despite my failures and inadequacies I know that Christ loves me...all of me...not just the me that makes the right decision, says the right thing, or acts the right way...but the whole package...fears and all. I want to love in a way that makes others want to love, because it touches a void and space deep in their heart that when touched moves them into the action of love.