resolve

Today has been out of the ordinary. Usually, my days are busy and fruitful, in the sense that I check tasks off my "to do" list and swiftly move from one activity to the next, but today was different. It all started with the fact that one of my best friends got married last night. An event that is still somewhat surreal. The day was long, a good long. Not one of those long days that you can't wait to be over, but a day that was filled with so much energy and excitement, love and celebration that you kind of don't want it to end. At the end of the night I was completely exhausted and my left eye was killing me...what started as a slight irritation turned into a complete nuisance as the day wore on, despite having changed my contacts. This morning I woke up and on my way to church had to cover my eye it was so sensitive to the sunlight. So as soon as church was done I hurried home back to my dark room where I could shut my eyes and hope the discomfort would go away. I laid there and drifted in and out of a light sleep (and I put my earplugs in, knowing Malia and Peter would be upstairs moving presents out of the house). It was good to just rest...to stop and take a time-out of sorts...to not really think about much at all except trying to sleep. When I finally got out of bed around noon, I was looking for something to make my day meaningful and productive. So I took a shower, put in my contacts (risky, I know) and headed out to greenlake to study for a bit. I kept my eyes open and on the pages of my microbiology text for probably about 20 minutes before I began to drift again into that same mode of relaxation from earlier in the morning where you drift in and out of conscious thought...but this time the sun was shining down providing warmth with the perfect breeze keeping me refreshed. I listened to David Gray sing my favorite songs and I found myself lost in a haze with no thought. No thought...no reflection, brainstorming, criticizing, dreaming, or planning. It's as though my mind was on pause and the day was just strolling by. I thought coffee might wake me up a bit, so of course I headed to zoka with study materials in hand only to find no place to sit and was forced to take my iced mocha back to the car and to my house where I found myself thinking...I should really read a good book right now, but somehow ended up browsing the web. I came across a post by John Piper. I didn't realize he was still alive...for some reason I had him categorized with C.S. Lewis and Oswald Chambers, but apparently he is still alive and preaching and has a website, which I discovered from my dad's favorite links section on his own blog called the race. The post was titled Lets make some Autumn Resolutions. I'm not a big fan of resolutions...only because I usually set myself up for failure (although I don't feel it has to be this way. It's just a matter of making practical resolutions). He starts with a quote from Socrates, "The unexamined life is not worth living." hmmm....I'm not sure why (maybe because of the uneventful day), but this struck me. The opposite is self-examination, but this cannot be practiced on its own and produce results. Examination must lead to a resolution. Our pastor at church always says. "revelation must be followed by response." It is the same idea. As we self-examine and God reveals to us insights about our life we must follow this revelation with a response, a resolution to change, improve, or continue to practice. So we plan...we make dreams, we desire change for the good, we think on how we can improve our lives. But at least for me, fear walks alongside these plans or resolutions. Fear the I will fail, that I will fall back into the same old routines and practices, that I will make the same mistakes again, that I am not capable of change. I know myself and my own strength too well. I am not invincible or capable of producing dramatic change on my own. I lose my will power, discipline and strength all too easily. So then, how do I follow through on my resolves, my plans that I feel that God has placed on my heart, revealed to me? That's just it..."I" can't. “The heart of man plans [resolves!] his way, but the Lord establishes [fulfills!] his steps” (Proverbs 16:9). We cannot depend on ourselves, but we can trust in the Lord's power in the fulfillment of our resolutions. Piper says it this way, "We resolve things not to make God be for us, but because he is already for us—that’s what his call makes plain. He opens our eyes to see and trust Christ." When I take the time to examine, to stop and listen, God reveals his plans and resolutions for my life, but that is only the first step. There is a continual need for faith and trust in Christ's power to fulfill his plans in us.
Okay...enough thought for one day...back to drifting through the haze.