heart

"People say that what we are all looking for is a meaning for life. I don't think this is what we're really seeking. I think what we're seeking is an experience of being alive."

Joseph Conrad.



I've felt that something was wrong.

I knew I was really in trouble when I stopped feeling anything altogether.

My heart had gone on vacation.

What in the world would make my heart come ALIVE?



(thanks for the words doug)

baby

Yesterday we celebrated Kate and her baby to be, James. Kate and Glenn want to start a library for the nursery and so I bought a baby proof copy of my favorite book The Rainbow Fish...I probably like it because it's related to biology and colorful, not to mention about sharing and the blessings you receive in giving yourself away! :)

I found a bag with the cutest print to package the gift all together. love the bold colors and of course, animals!

wedding pics

wisdom

This morning I was reading in the book of Proverbs, desiring wisdom. I found what I was looking for: words of encouragement, inspiration and wisdom...words to live by.

"My son, do not forget my teaching,

but keep my commands in your heart,

for they will prolong your life many years

and bring you prosperity.

Let love and faithfulness never leave you;

bind them around your neck,

write them on the tablet of your heart.

Then you will win favor and a good name

in the sight of God and man.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart

and lean not on your own understanding;

in all your ways acknowledge him,

and he will make your paths straight."

Proverbs 3:1-6

wedding

I'm taking the day off of work tomorrow. My good friend and sister (in-law of sorts) is getting hitched on Saturday. It's been a busy and fun past few weeks. I can't believe the day is almost here. I remember talking about it during dinner dates months ago, before Christmas even. We laughed and talked about the wedding as if it was ages away. Time moves so quickly. Not too quickly...I don't think they would want the wedding to be further off, but if definitely sneaks up on you. Today, I met up with the girls at anthro, Jennie found an outfit for the rehearsal, stopped to look at some lingerie, picked up the dress along with mine and Kendra's from the seamstress, then went to dinner (girls night - sisters, mom, bridesmaids, mother-in-laws, grandma-in-law, sister-in-law) at our favorite oaxacan restaurant. It is such a whirlwind of activity. I hope Jennie can enjoy the moments throughout the weekend. I hope the stress of the details is overshadowed by the excitement and joy of the marraige to come.

Aaah, weddings...I think I'll just elope.

triathlon

Lewis shatters the Triathlon record by finishing all three legs at once.

A couple of years ago I managed to somehow sign up for the danskin triathlon...last summer I kind of missed the boat and didn't make it into any races, but this year I'm getting ambitious. My plan is to complete an olympic distance tri - 1500m swim, 24 mi bike, and 10K run. Stepping it up a notch from the sprint distance for sure. If you know me I love to devise a plan...so tonight I looked an 8-week training plan that looks a little intense. I'll probably start out strong and do well the first two weeks and then slow down a bit...that's usually how it goes.

However, maybe if I write about my training on my blog it will keep me more accountable? hmmm....worth a try at least. I'm not starting this second. I think tonight I do a little pilates before I hit the sack and call it a night. But come monday, I'll be on track to become an "olympic" athlete. haha! :)

ocean

I spent the past few days along the oregon coast with friends...one who is getting married a week from today! It was fun to walk along the beach, make meals together, eat candy and watch movies, talk about life...most of which was centered around marriage and kids (I was the only one single). I didn't have much to contribute to the conversations regarding marraige and kids, but I enjoyed listening in and laughing about the funny and awkward moments. I'm so thankful to be where I am in life - independent and free to make spontaneous changes. Now I just want to make sure I am living that way and take advantage of the opportunities. Someday I won't have the same freedoms, not that it will be a bad thing, it will just be good in a different way.

spring is in the air

Today my friend Rachel and I went to the Tulip Festival in Mt. Vernon. We loaded up the bug with two bikes, a cooler of food, and stopped at Starbucks for a triple tall carmel macchiato and then headed north.

First stop, lululemon outlet. Purchase: funky mantra pants and two fun tank tops.

Second stop, tulip festival office. Free: a map and directions on where to ride our bikes to see the fields.

Thrid stop: Red Apple and port-a-potty. Purchase: Tim Cascades salt and vinegar chips and two aquafinas.

Finally, we were reading for our adventure. We started off heading west and looked to the left and right, but no tulips...none...anywhere. You'd think the lady at the tulip festival office would have informed us of the lack of blooming flowers....but no. So we saw a few fields of daffodils, talked to a nice lady at an espresso stand, took pictures of ourselves and the local wildlife...things we may not have noticed if the tulips were blooming I guess.

I kind of maybe want to move to the country now and grow veggies and fruit to sell at farmers markets...

realizations

The last couple of days have been a whirlwind. I returned home from the dominican republic late Friday night and then have spent the last few days enjoying much needed time with friends and family.

It has been a busy quarter at school...I know I've mentioned it before in previous blog posts. I think one of the reasons I was on the trip was to relax and rest outside of my everyday life. Something about island time...there is no definite schedule, no real agenda, things get done when they get done...it is refreshing not feeling pressure, deadlines, or the need to perform or acheive. The emphasis is on relationships - doing things that bring people together and encourage one another. The team had a lot of time to relax, but also had time to play and love the kids. I can't really say that we accomplished much as a team in our few days of being with the kids, but I know that we participated in a small part of what COTN is trying to do - raise children in the knowledge of Christ who can then lead in their communities and country.

I was looking back on my journal that I kept while I was there (I really don't journal much, usually only when I am on vacation or if something serious is going on, which isn't that often). I wrote and wrote...so much...so random. What didn't I journal about while I was there. It's a lot to unpack and think about, so we'll see what comes out in this post.

Realization #1 (this one is more of a confirmation) - I am not going back to teach next year. I am no longer going to live in the comfort and safety of doing something I'm okay at, but I am going to get back to my dream of doing something in medicine...where so much of my compassion and passion lies (can you use those two words together like that?). My hope is that I'm not just okay, but excel at it because of my unrelenting interest in disease and physiology.

Realization #2 - I need someone to take care of me. I have always prided myself on being independent, strong, confident, resourceful, able. However, it is tiring keeping up this attitude at all times in all situations. I am realizing the consequences of looking out for and taking care of everyone else and in the process neglecting yourself. Things got pretty hectic at the airport when our flight was delayed out of Texas. As a result of the delay we missed our connection Puerto Rico and the group was then separated onto 3 separate flights (one of which was delayed later). Anyway, there was a lot of waiting at airports and me making sure everything was running smoothly as possible. I was with the first group into Santo Domingo...we paid for our tourist card, went through customs, picked up our bags, exchanged some money...however in all of this I was so distracted making sure the students got everything they needed that I grabbed the wrong bag...a bag I had packed (not with my own clothes, but with carnival supplies). Normally, I would double check everything, but no, not this time when all my students were asking questions and needing help. So here I am in the airport for 5 more hours waiting for the rest of my students to fly in and I have no idea my bag with all my clothes is on the other side of the wall in customs. When the last flight finally arrived one of my students said he couldn't find the bag he had checked (duh...the one I grabbed). So I went back with David and we tried to track it down to no avail. So thinking we are only missing party supplies I give the go ahead to get on the bus and go...10 minutes later everything cliques into place and I realize my bag, with all my clothes is sitting in the airport...not party supplies. I ask David if we can turn around and he says no, we can just go back tomorrow. great...thinking 2 days in the same clothes after travelling for over 24 hours straight...great. I was so frustrated with myself...so stupid, so easily avoidable, but I was so focused on everyone else, I didn't look out for myself and no one else there was supposed to. I'm the leader...I'm supposed to have it all together, right? So the next day - 6 hour van ride and $140 later I have my bag in hand and quickly change (without a shower) for church, what becomes a 3 hour long production...sick. However, I can't complain, it was my fault and you deal with the consequences of your stupidity...at least I didn't have to borrow underwear from my students.

I'm starting to like the idea of having someone around who looks out for me and cares for me...that I can rely and depend on. I don't have it all together...and never will, no matter how hard I try.

Realization #3 - Human touch is powerful. If you know me, you know I have never been a touchy-feely person. (That's not all true, my mom attests I was different as a child). I don't say hello or goodbye with a hug...usually just a smile. I don't know why, but I'm not a huge initiator of physical touch. However, in my time in the dominican republic, touch was a way to communicate love and concern, to show a child you were interested in them, cared for them and their well being. Immediately a child grabs you by the hand or arm when you walk of the bus, they want to be held, want a piggy back ride, want to play with your hair or play a game clapping hands. (They also want your sunglasses and camera). They crave this simple human interaction and feel loved as a result. This trip I found rest and joy and simplicity in holding the younger children. I was drawn to the small and the sick. The ones who were too tired to run and play, who just needed to be held. Twice, I held children fast asleep in my arms, breathing steadily, resting on my chest. It was so peaceful to simply sit and rest with them listening to each breath and to be able to show my love through this simple act of touch. I want to feel more. I want to open up to experiencing love and compassion through the power of touch.

Realization #4 - Without hope, life is meaningless. I read The Stranger, by Camus on the bus ride home. I was thinking about life and where meaning comes from...where do people find meaning, does everyone need meaning? What is the meaning and hope for a child living in the dominican republic versus an educated 25 year old woman in the wealthy united states? Can our hope be the same...I have to believe so. I hope in eternity, that I was created for a purpose, that I am loved unconditionally by a God that has a plan for my life, and that these beliefs will allow me to live life with meaning -live life to be made more in the image of my God and to pour out my life into others to be a blessing and to spread hope into a world of suffering and injustice.

Realization #5 - I love sun. I love the way it feels as it warms my skin and thaws out my chilled bones from our cold washington winter. I love how it tans my skin. I love the colors as it rises and sets. I love sun.

procrastinator

You'd think I would want to pack. That I would be excited to get everything ready to go for the trip tomorrow. But no, it's the last thing I am motivated to do...instead I would rather workout, listen to Coldplay, dink around on facebook...clean. All things of no importance to my trip to the Dominican. Why is that? Why do I procrastinate? I mean I understand not wanting to grade papers (which I also have to do tonight), but that is just dreadful in comparison to packing. Maybe packing uses too much brain power that has been zapped out of me by the events of the day...teaching cellular respiration (10th graders don't do well with complex chemical reactions), staying patient when kids are loud and obnoxious, answering questions, packing team supplies, making decisions about JSB, giving awards out at the MS bball banquet, calling the credit card company, taking cash out, teaching about malaria and other vector diseases, wondering if my parents are worried about me...maybe I should just sit and rest for a minute...no, I think I'll go for a swim...it always gets done in the long run.

baskin robbins

Setting: Baskin Robbins on a quiet night. Alicia and I are browsing the ice cream selection. Family of 4 (with one on the way) walk into the store. Kid yelling obnoxiously about what he wants...then sits at a table. Mom and Dad and little brother are looking at ice cream. Meanwhile, I order my double scoop coffee and pistachio ice cream cone and begin to pay...while sneaking a bite

Kid at Table: "Dad, dad! That person over there is eating not at a table."
Bekah: glances over at the boy (embarrassed?)
Dad: looks at me then looks back at kid
Kid: "And Dad, that person is eating a double cone."
Bekah: "uuhhh..."
Alicia: laughing
Pregnant mom: laughing
Kid: so confused...why is everyong laughing?
Bekah: "I am so sorry...I am not setting a good example"

Alicia and I leave the store laughing as the boys wave goodbye through the window.

Funny...