sunday musings

I woke up today just absolutely exhausted...so it became one of those relaxing days where not much is accomplished and it is just what you need to prepare for the week ahead. I made waffles...sipped on a homemade latte...read my book...had a heart-to-heart with my roommate...power walked with a friend...journalled at a coffee shop...went to church...back to a coffee shop with friends...listened to good music...and reflected on the past week.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my passions...especially in regard to my future and how I am living in the present. I've been thinking about my inadequacies and my limitations. I've been thinking about fear and how it is such a factor in my decision-making. I've been thinking about how to be intentional in seeking Christ...centering my life around Him...aligning my desires and will to His.

I recently returned from a medical mission trip to Mexico and I left completely refreshed and renewed. God gave me a glimpse into what my life could be if I pursue medicine. He sparked a passion in my heart to learn more about medicine and use that knowledge to serve others...I see Him at work in my heart as I begin to develop direction and motivation. I am torn between my career now as a teacher and a desire to be a student...learning about the human body, disease, treatment, medicine...a desire to pursue medical school or public health. But then the fear creeps in and I fell inadequate in so many ways...and I think to myself...how could I ever be that person. I'm not intelligent enough...I'm not responsible enough...I'm not confident enough. Lies...I know that they are lies and yet I can't transfer the feelings and emotions of my passions into action...it is as if I am sabotaging my life...keeping myself from what I desire the most. All I can say is what a frustration...and what disobedience...if God has given me a passion to serve, my responsibility is to follow through and pursue opportunities to use this passion. To step out of my comfort zone and attempt the impossible because it will force me to rely on someone other than myself, it will force me to give the credit to someone other than myself...God. I think of the people that God has used to accomplish His will...big or small...throughout time and they are no different than I am...they all have limitations, inadequacies and yet God still uses them because of their obedience to Him and His call.

After journalling this afternoon thinking about this constant frustration in my life and theme of fear in different areas I headed to church and couldn't believe my ears when Pastor Dahlstrom talked straight from my journal entry...what an encouragement to hear his words and just feel so connected with the Holy Spirit. He talked about how wholeness comes from living our lives in the light...about taking off the old self and putting on the new self...about stepping out of our comfort zones and imitating Christ...I felt so convicted to take off my fear and put on confidence in Christ, put on His unconditional love, put on His joy, His peace...an new self that models Christ. How can I put that into practice this week? Volunteer at the hospital, encourage a student, tell someone I love them, hug, call an old friend, take time to be in the presence of God, challenge a friend to try something new...be present...in my own life and others.

This week I want to put on "love." I want to radiate love, because I want Christ's love to be so overwhelmingly abundant in my own heart that it can't help but overflow onto others. Despite my failures and inadequacies I know that Christ loves me...all of me...not just the me that makes the right decision, says the right thing, or acts the right way...but the whole package...fears and all. I want to love in a way that makes others want to love, because it touches a void and space deep in their heart that when touched moves them into the action of love.

January Update

Seems like I only get around to posting a new entry once a month...not what I had intended but it could be worse! So...December was good...I went to visit malia in ireland and we had a blast! from our adventures on the paddywagon to celebrating Christmas away from home...it was some good quality time! Of course...away from school I asked myself why am I a teacher? and really wasn't looking forward to going back after break...however, when school started back up again I had more fun than ever! The students were great and I had so much energy and excitement! Fast forward to today and it is a different story...I think I may be bipolar when it comes to figuring out what kind of career to pursue. One minute I want a job like teaching, that's flexible, good vacation time, and relational....and then the next I want to be in school again learning, challenging myself and in a health related field...usually my dream is to be a doctor. So which is it? The career that is less demanding, requires another year of school max, that would allow me to have plenty of time for family and friends, is relaxed and laid back....or the high stress, higher paying, no time for anyone, 6 years of school, no breaks, head overflowing with information to remember job of a physician? or perhaps...is there a compromise?

We have had so many snow days this past week that I have had way to much time to think about the future and not so much what I want...but what is God's purpose and plan in my life. I was reading a devotion the other day that talked about waiting on the Lord and I was reminded of my tendency to always jump into the next activity keeping my calendar full even if it isn't "exactly" what I may want to do...and possibly not the choice God would have wanted me to pursue. So I feel as if I am at another crossroads and this time I am waiting...and tonight I feel as if I have part of the answer. I was praying for clarity, discernment and purpose. And I just let go of all that had been on my mind the past few days and I think I heard God speak in my silence. I felt like he was telling me that even failure can be used to fulfill his purposes and carry out his plan....that sometimes failure is what develops character and strength, that facing inadequacy and disappointment can be positive and used for good. I guess I linked this idea to my struggle in applying to medical school. Everything has always come pretty natural for me and I have never had to bend over backwards to work hard for anything too important. So when my MCAT scores weren't what I expected I was so hurt, disappointed and felt like a failure....I felt as though my dream to become a doctor was squashed and that my desire to help others through medicine and use it to lead people to Christ was not a possibility. But now I am realizing that God can take that situation, that failure, adversity and change my heart, my character, and my desire...but only if I am willing. The way I see it I have two options...allow my dream to be trampled by one failure and be intimidated by it, while only pursuing careers I feel confident and comfortable in....or I can say failure and adversity makes you stronger, it develops character....you learn where you should be...what level you should be performing at and then you work your butt off to get there, you sacrifice your time, energy, and all the other activities you do to fill up that space because you feel comfortable, accepted and confident in those activities.

So I am at a crossroads will I become stronger through my failures...or just continue to walk along the smooth plateau? Will I sit back in my comfortable skin...or risk another chance at failing, but this time knowing exactly what it takes to succeed. I hope that I can choose the latter...I am screaming inside for challenge, change, and determination. I just pray that it lasts long enough to materialize into something...a career that inspires me, challenges my abilities, and all in all brings glory to God and his purposes - because he is my ultimate teammate, working alongside me to fulfill his promises and purposes in the Kingdom of God.